End Femicide

 

My voice will never be loud enough.

My back aches from the pain of the dead women that I carry,

I am homesick for a place that is safe,

A place that I do not have to look over my shoulder,

A place where my voice is not silenced by a blade to my stomach,

Or a gun to my head,

Sometimes a blow to my face.

A place that, actually, does not exist. 

Your minds reduce me to a shy, quiet person,

You want me to always stay quiet

To be reserved and only talk when you need me to. 

You want me to shush, like a pinned wallflower

But unfortunately, I am a wildflower, 

And I don’t know how to be anything else. 

All you see on my face is silence,

All you see within me is a shadow. 

Almost like a fleeting ghost. 

But I am not,

I can't be, 

And will never be. 

I won't be a waste of girl. 

Or a waste of womanhood. 

I am not you. I will never be you. 

I am obsessive,

I am intelligent,

I am bold,

I am crafty,

I am rough,

I am loud,

I laugh like a clueless little child.

And I love to show some skin,

Sometimes a lot of it,

I want sex. 

A lot of it. 

And I want exploration and I want freedom.

I do not want to be perceived as less of a person,

Because I am human,

More human than I was yesterday. 

But mostly I am angry. 

They say it is the angry women that change the world. 

But I do not even want to be angry anymore. 

I do not have to live with a tight knot in my stomach,

Reading yet another name of a woman,

Losing their lives in the hands of a man. 

Marching yet another march.

Turning yet another breaking news of remains of a boiled body of a woman.

It hurts, to say the least. 

But you would never know that. 

And I will never be the woman to shut her mouth,

Or laugh nicely,

Or have manners just to fit into a society that unplugs the life of others, 

Just because they chose to have a life. 

Not even one well behaved woman ever made history,

So unchain me from the box,

Of what you think I should do and what you think I should be,

Yesterday, today and tomorrow,

Woman across the globe,

Only want to feel safe in the choices they make about themselves.

So, dear women,

From a fellow woman who just wants to walk across the street without being cat called, 

Without being told, "Smile, sasa unajam kwa nini?" or "Size yangu hio"

I wrote a letter to each one of you, so never forget who you are;

Womanhood is godhood. And sometimes the gods get angry and spiteful. But they never allow their senses to be dulled. I do not want your softness to be turned to rage. It takes a different woman to even stand and speak out in a world where everything is meant to work against her forward momentum. Take care of yourself regardless. Walk with your dog. I bet it will give you more grace than a man could ever. Create boundaries. Be yourself. In Queens Gambit one of their intro lines says, "a lot of men will come your way and try to teach you how to do things. It doesn’t make them smarter. They just want to feel bigger and better. Let that blow and go on doing what you want to do." Masculinity is not measured by how many throats one can slit, or decapitate or strangle or sodomize or rape or dispose of as remains or cheat on or tower over you or cat call, it's measured by gentleness. So, I pray that you remember that, stay safe, and stay divine.