Eli...

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I walked into our garage which was just a small area away from our main house. The flowers were well watered. The gardens were neat and I only wished I had gotten home earlier to see everything in the light of day. I couldn't wait for tomorrow. As I walked to the garage, I thought about how I would never have to open that roller door again or even deal will the storage boxes. Moving to the country was never on my life's to do list but Eli needed it more than any one. The kids were pretty much okay although they had a hard time losing their friends and moving to a much quiet place. The farm was the best part for me. It awoke a lot of my childhood memories especially being raised in a farm. Eli was nowhere in the house or even sitting outside the front porch reading The Monk who Sold a Ferrari for the hundredth time. Eli was many things but the last couple of years he had been reduced to just a few things. A loving father, a husband and a man who sat out thinking about his next project after his last ten had just failed. Regardless I loved Eli on his good days and on his bad days and on my good days and my bad days. 

As I rolled the garage door down, I noticed Eli's blue sandals on the floor. 

"Eli, Eli, Baaabe, I'm gonna lock you inside. I'm rolling the door down now."

I called out hoping he would respond and hop outside before I was halfway through rolling the door down. 

I realized he was not about to leave the garage. I tried to call him out one more time until I realized it might have just been sandals and he was in the house. Before I could finish rolling the door. I called Luna to ask if her father was in the house but she sheepishly responded no. I walked to the house front door and called out Eli a couple of times and he was not in the house either. Or the garage? Where was Eli? 

I hated getting in the garage. But I hated it more than anything. A lot of storage boxes. Packed and unpacked. A lot of dust and cobwebs and I could stumble into a spider or a cockroach that could fly. But why were Eli's sandals inside and why wasn't he answering me. The garage bulb was broken so I lit a flashlight and walked towards his sandals. 

"Eli, come outside. How can you even see inside all this darkness." 

As I walked I noticed his phone on the floor. The flashlight was on but it was placed in a way that it faced the wall so it didn't illuminate any much light. "Eli? Eliiiii!!!"

"Are...you inside here?"

As I walked further in I began to get scared and even more scared when I saw his coat on the floor yet he was not there either. As I swept my torch left from where the coat was I saw it. 

A stool. And his feet standing on it. And a rope. And Eli. He was crying. Crying hard now that I saw him. I focused the torch on his face and I could feel a knot grow on my throat. I tried to talk. I couldn't talk. I tried to walk closer. I couldn't walk closer. 

"Muum!! Can I have an oat cookie? Just one. I promise." By the time I could listen to Jimmy he was already inside the garage. He was fond of the garage more than anyone. He spent most of his time here fixing his toys and following his dad up and down. Before I could even think about what was going on Jimmy was standing holding my hip tightly. Everything was spinning and spinning and spinning. I felt my face get hot and ice cold tears fell down. I could feel a cold sweat down my neck, then my back and even smaller steps walking towards us. I snapped out and watched both my kids staring at their dad crying hysterically as I focused the torch straight to Eli's face, numb and confused! 

"Mum, is daddy crying?" Jimmy asked with a shaky voice. Hearing his voice made me realize that neither him nor Luna had to be here watching this. 

"No daddy is fine he was trying to fix the bulb and something hit his face. Did you guys feed Koa. Go give him some milk. "

I closed my ears holding my tears and hoping that my shaky voice was convincing enough for my four and six year olds. 

Before the kids could even get to the garage door Eli roared, 

"Daddy is fine??! Daddy is not fucking fine. Daddy wants everything to stop."

I was already shaking on my boots and Luna and Jimmy were back in the garage looking scared now more than before. 

"Eli, the kids don't have to be here. Can we talk."

I said calmly.

"Daddy are you okay?" Jimmy asked his voice shaking and he was already sniffling his little nose. 

"Daddy is fine now you guys leave." This time I said shouting. 

All I wanted was the kids to leave. To stay away and somehow Eli and I would talk about what was going on.

"Jimmy, daddy is not okay. Daddy is sad and daddy just wants it to stop." Eli responded.

I was confused and it was unlike him. I took the flashlight off his face and around the stool to see an empty bottle of whiskey lying there. 

We had gotten the bottle of whiskey six weeks ago when we moved here and it was a gift from my smaller brother who was moving outside the country for work. I hid the bottle so well and now I was feeling stupid enough to have a bottle while my husband was recovering from addiction and dealing with losing his job. Before I could even get the flashlight back to his face I felt a sudden movement that gripped my core with fear and a feeling I couldn't put to words. 

He can't do this. Not in front of the kids. He is drunk and a conversation can save this moment. I thought and thought and was even more scared of putting the flashlight back at him. I could tell the stool was still in tact and so he was alive. I dreaded the moment he would push the stool down. I slowly lifted the torch to his face. He was not crying anymore. Was that a good sign. He had already rolled a rope around his neck and that was what the movement was from. He stared at me dead on the face..he didn't blink and this stare was more dreadful than when he was crying. I tried to say anything to beg him to cry to him but I was afraid anything I said would just lead him to kick that stool. 

"Hey love come down. You are with me. You are with us. You'll be okay. You just slipped. And it's okay?"

"Is it okay Linda? Is it? Today I was craving that bottle more than anything in the whole world. And when I smelt at it. Nothing mattered. Everything just dissolved out of my mind. One glass, then another and another and when I was done with it I wanted more and more. I wanted a drink. Look at me. The kids don't even know. Jimmy! Hey Jimmy. Look at daddy. Hey Luna. Luna, Luna. Do you know? Daddy lost his job because he couldn't stop. He couldn't tell himself to stop. He peed his pants not once not twice."

"Eli, they are kids. They don't need to hear all that. You'll be fine. And so will they."

"I've made up my mind Linda. It's not even about me. It's about you and them. I am useless, helpless, jobless and my skin hugs my bones like a skinny hyena. My mind is mostly empty and when it wanders, it wanders to the scent of the bottle or the drink inside it. You cannot drown my sorrows anymore. I can't get to put you and the kids first. I don't even know of I'll ever get better. My demons. They were never silent. Those 4 months were the worst. Those four months were like being tormented by your mind. All the mistakes I made. How I lost my job. How we lost the house. The three cars. The loans I didn't even tell you about. The women Linda. How do you even love me. How do you even still care about me? Are you acting? Is all this for the kids?"

Eli was now shouting. The rope on his neck was not making the situation any easier. I wanted to dial 911 silently and have the conversation recorded. I wished to walk closer to him to hug him. To love him, to tell him that regardless I still loved him. That I saw him trying snd that he would be better. But my words were like a cold sore to him. Anything I said would make him kick that stool down. And he would die right in front of his kids. And me. A part of me was angry. A part of me was terrified. A part of me was hopeless and a part of me was fearing for Luna and Jimmy more than anything.  

"It's in the past Eli. I love you. We love you. We will walk away and you will make a choice. I will walk away with the kids and it will be up to you. Eli, Luna, tell daddy that you love him." 

The kids were silent. They couldn't talk and I was ashamed more than anything that they had to witness all that. And for what? That I was begging their father to be with us and in a few minutes or even seconds he was about to make the decision. To choose himself, to choose us, to choose life, to choose being better...

We started to walk away and he was silent. I picked his coat up and walked away. I led the kids outside and they ran to the house. Before I could get to the door I heard it. First a thud, then an eerie cry, then silence. He was gone. Just like that. I could feel it in my stomach. I didn't have to look back and see. What about us? What about Luna and Jimmy? Wasn't selfish? I helped him however I could. I cried with him through his soberiety. But it was as easy as just putting his life on halt and letting everything go. My Eli was gone.  My Eli had died from the bottle.

 My heart was now beating fast. My feet were numb and I sat right there, staring at the moon light, at the sky. Staring at the trees ahead wishing and praying for the impossible. That it was all in my head. I pinched myself once, twice and a third time. I picked my phone once dialed my mother.  Again. With the same news. Six years apart. My father, old and helpless, had died in his farm with a bottle on his hand on the night of my 37th birthday and my wedding anniversary and yet again I had to dial my mother to come to the basement and help me with my dad, his husband. Now she would come help me with mine, my husband and the father of my two little kids. 

Thomas Shelby (Peaky Blinders): Whiskey is just fuel for the loud engines inside your head. 

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