What in The Heaven?!

 

I hate to burst your bubble, but heaven is just a small town with familiar faces, arrays, old people, young people, farmer’s markets, a sky, cafes, the weather. It feels like another small Mid-Western town that is yet to be ridden over by civilization but is almost there. I’m glad I died in the fall and the town was covered in tanned and dry autumn leaves here and there. Once I got here, I envied the dead. Those who had died earlier and I envied the living as well. I always dreamt of a forever and the fact that I was immortal now I almost felt doomed than, angelic. I felt lonely. Lonelier than I had ever felt my whole life on earth. In death, I was not supposed to feel, or so I thought. The feelings of the people I left behind, they haunted me every single minute. It almost felt like a knife was permanently gorged in my chest and every once in a while, someone would push it deeper and deeper and I was just waiting to die all over again. I could hear awful whispers every now and then, some in my head, some in my ears like a whirl wind. I could feel the skin of it, the terrors of it, the pain that the people who grieved for my death felt. I wished that they could stop. I wished that they could forget me for a minute. I felt all of it, all at once, all the time. Every night I had sick nightmares, but night was not long here. Just a few hours and the sun were up gorging its white light on the damned!

Days were longer than usual and people worked and worked. In heaven we woke up on the first hour and I did not believe I was given forever to reconcile with myself, with other people, dead or alive, with creatures, with objects. It felt like a sad wilderness with all the mistakes I made in my life on Earth scattered all over and I had to hunt each one of them like Easter eggs. For a short life like mine, for having lived for just 17 years I did not know how long it would take for me to reconcile with everything. Why would they disguise heaven as a small Midwestern town and what was next after this? Another death? Another life? Nothingness? And how was hell? What was hell like? How doomed would hell be if heaven was half as fateless as Earth? That morning I walked to a café. I was last in line. I did not see anyone exchanging bills so I thought it was free. I was lost and confused and cold. I was the only one standing in line when the cashier looked me and sighed,

Cashier: You’re new? Aren’t you? Have you been crying?

Me: Yes. I’m new. I’m just a little lost.

Cashier: Cheer up kiddo! You are in heaven.

 (She talked as she went on preparing me a coffee. I could see cheese cakes as well and for the first time it felt nice being here. At least there is coffee and cheese cake in heaven)

Me: Doesn’t feel like heaven though. I was expecting angels and castles and rivers of silver and gold. Mansions that span across miles and miles. I thought I would catch the starts and the moon and everything would finally be okay in heaven. But a small town with overgrown tress? And more coffee shops than houses. RIDICULOUS!

Cashier: You’ll get used to it. Don’t think so much into it. And you might love it.  But you’re are guaranteed to hate it.

Me: Is there more? Or I’m I trapped here? Am I in hell?

Cashier: Heaven is a second chance. Take it. Play your part.

Me: What is hell then and where is it?

Cashier: I don’t know. I would not want to imagine.

Me: Do I die here too. I believe am immortal.

Cashier: No. You can’t. You can’t leave as well. Until you see what place this is truly you won’t move up the ladders. Look inside and act on it.

Me: What do you mean by move up the ladders?

Cashier: I have lived here for 80 years. Never aging. Never changing. Some people stay here for a month or two and I just assume they have done their work and moved up the ladders. No one knows what lies ahead though.

Me: 80 years?? Does that feel like torture?

Cashier: It fees so. I fall in love and they leave. I got used to it. I do not know what I keep doing wrong. Time flies here though. You probably died 10 years ago from where you’re from.

Me: The other side? What is it like?

Cashier: No one knows. The legends say it is a heaven. Not like this one but a much beautiful one. Things there are angelic like we like to assume. Edgar Allan Poe is in this heaven and his latest work, THE OTHER SIDE tries to say a thing or two about it.

Me: EDGAR ALLAN POE!!!! He is here!!! From 1849??? I only died in 2015! Those are centuries apart!!

Cashier: Yes. And so many other people you’ll meet. One thing is that we are all equal here. I told you that you might love this place. Or you’ll hate and dread it. 80 years and sometimes it still creeps me out. As if I’m waiting to wake up from a dream or an out of body experience.

Me: I just got more confused.

Cashier: Edgar writes,

‘I yearn for the other side.

 I have done my work.

 I have asked the birds to forgive me.

 I have asked the beetles to redeem me.

I have hugged the fish of the seas and put them back.

I have handled the butterflies with grace and moths alike.

The animals sometimes they walk after me.

The people, I love the people.

I have loved everyone that needeth love.

I have given every single part of me to just cross.

But the angels, they do not see me.

I yearn for the other side.

Where songs can sing back.

Where letters write themselves.

Where animals talk.

One where my mind is not held in a sick and twisted cell.

Where time passes logically, not like I need it to.

A place I can remember who I used to be.

A place I can write.’

Me: That is sad and intense.

Cashier: Your coffee is getting cold. The hours are running. Go. Live a good life.  Be intentional. The angels are watching. The gods are hungry behind your back, watching and waiting for you to fold and break. So live and live and live well.

Having listened to all that, I bolted out of the café. My eyes were balls of tears, my face red as a cherry. My mind was exploding inside my head. Where is this place where do I go next? How do I live in my death? Am I dead? I pinched myself and pinched myself. I sat at the park beside the dirty lake and started reminiscing how that car hit me and killed me on the spot. I did not feel any pain. I just woke up and I was here. Healthy, same clothes but this place, it kills me. It kills me more than it keeps me alive. I wished I could send letters to my family, my friends, anyone. I wish I could tell them to dive into life and live like never before. I wish I would beg them, cry unto them to live differently. To cross the road only when the light turns red. To eat and to travel. To love and to love right. To laugh and to cry. To love the birds and the leeches. To be kind and to be nice.

From this heaven, I felt like earth was a ton heavenly and more. That it was a beautiful fortress of freedom a never-ending place where I could make mistakes and live with them. Here, mistakes were corrected. The wrong things were avoided. Those who did not, they lived miserably in a mental cell with a never-ending cycle of thoughts wanting to be made right. This is a place that demands perfection. It’s a lot to take in but I do not even know what heaven has in store for me. I do not know who I will meet. How I’ll live or who I’ll be. Or if I’ll ever cross. But at what cost? No one knows about the other side. It could be another dreamy lie, just like heaven. But 80 years? Would I spend my life in this heaven-disguised hell hoping to cross to another fictional place? Am I even dead or dreaming? That day I walked and walked. Thought and thought. I met people everywhere. Living as though this was just another town in the Mid-West. People. People. People. Endless noise. Endless murmurs. Movements. Slow. Fast. I felt Blue. Almost Grey. Destroyed. Played.

(I'm so back!!! This piece is entirely fictional. (Mostly inspired by the Netflix Series, The Black Mirror- Wanted to write about something out of the world and I landed in heaven. Dead) Incase it goes against your beliefs, I'm very sorry. I hope you enjoyed it. Share and comment. I will interact with everyone on the comments. What do you think heaven is like?)