Until I found Her...

 

I sat there my face feeling dirty. I had splutters of blood all over me and some of those were on my lashes. My vision was blurry. Everything had happened so fast. I was not thinking. My hands had been tightly cuffed from the back. Maya's gown was drowning in his blood. Red and white had never gone so well together. I was angry and confused and part of me was sinking peacefully at the thought of what was ahead of me. Maya was crying so hysterically, it echoed at the back of my head all the way towards the police station. I could have hurt her. But I didn't. I knew she wished she would have died with him. But she would pay for it by living with the hollowness and I hoped it haunted her. I hoped the image of Nick lying there lifeless drowned her every single day. I took a shot at Nick's face for playing our song, one to his chest for daring to be with her and one to his head hoping that he would die. He had taught me to shoot, and there I went. He landed on the ground and I stood there stuck on my feet. Tears were flowing from my eyes uncontrollably. I was a mess. I dropped the gun and went on my knees then sat there staring at his own blood flood under him. Maya was screaming, asking him to stay alive. He is dead Maya. My love is dead. Everyone had rushed off, pushed away during the altercation but now they were closing in. Few minutes later, I could hear a police siren then cold cuffs being wrapped around my hands. I stood up and was walked to the car. Sitting there, I stared out the window. Nick's mother was staring back, her eyes dry, her face emotionless. I would never be a problem to her. He would never be a problem to her. I set her free. He was mine. I was his. The universe knew. I had to do it. Ode to Kill Bill, I was okay in jail, than without him. 

I met Nick years ago at work. Haters to lovers was certainly not a novella's notorious fantasy. We hated each other and had been work rivals. He held my card for a promotion at the hospital. I made the hospital aware that he had acquired his medical license illegally and he lost his job. I had my way. I rose but just for two years. I would later lose my job over conspired insurance fraud. 

"Checkmate!"

I got this text message months after losing my job. My phone had caller ID incase a new job contacted and therefore I immediately knew it was him. It was funny at this point how it had eaten me at the back. We would eventually meet at a bike exhibition unexpectedly, where we planned to ride against each other in a highway that was off town. On that night we pulled over to a motel where we would spend the night. We had endless beer and bonded over all the people we hated at our previous work place. That night was beautiful. I'm my 33 years I saw a shooting star for the first time in my life. The motel had a rooftop and the stars were magical on this side of the state, or I had never paid attention to the sky like Nick made me do that night. 

Riding home  would have killed both of us. We rented a room together where we both blacked out before we could even say goodnight. The following morning I woke up to an empty bed. He had left. His bike was not in the alley either. He did not leave a message too. I rode home slowly, taking in the air. I tried to get this man off my head and something about him just stuck. Later that night he snapped a photo of a bonfire outside in what looked like a forest, like he was out camping. Does this man have a house?! The photo was followed by a location pin. I clicked on it and it was in between a forest midway through last night's motel. It was 9pm. I contemplated about going out there, but then I was a 33 year old recently fired woman. It wouldn't hurt to risk getting killed in the middle of nowhere. I packed a couple of things, popped a pistol and rode off. I got lost within a rough terrain. There was barely any network but in no time I followed a thin path that seemed frequented. Nick must have been spending a lot of time here. 

"You left without a word in the morning?"

"Oh yea, I needed to catch the sunrise from down the road."

"You don't think I'd have wanted that too?"

"Now I know! Welcome to my spot. I spend so many days and nights here."

"I can tell."

 He pulled a lighter off his pocket and lit a blunt. He passed it to me and I almost jumped.

 "Ew! No. I don't smoke!"

 He laughed a little too loud and went ahead for fix his fire. Over it was a wild rabbit that was roasting and the smell was not so bad. 

We talked about all the dangerous things that would happen to us in there, we talked about all the alternative solutions for each and how I would stupidly not save myself in case of anything. That night would later seal the deal for me. Just two nights and I wanted to spend every single minute of my boring life exploring his. The following day we would hunt together, illegally. He taught me how to use a hunting gun and after so long I was finally feeling, life course through my veins. Years later, this forest would still be our spot. It was safe but dangerous. It was calm and frightening. The trees out there saw me get naked and run in rivers. It saw me exist nude and get fucked on fallen trucks or huge rocks over rivers in the middle of the day. It saw me play house with this man, and of course fight. We fought on who's turn it was to bring groceries from home, on which days were convenient for camping, on what trails to take and much more including pulling a gun on him for camping without me for two days. He was not allowed to do that. We were supposed to do it together. It was now our thing. I fell in love with him every day. I slowly built my whole life around his. He excited me and made me crazy and I love all the in betweens of what we had going on. We were good and bad for each other. He hit me in the face once and I broke his knee with a rod in return. We barely had a schedule, we were running out of money, neither of us had a  stable job until he applied to lecture at a community college and I had to do something with my life, that did not have him in it. Community college came with Maya. First they'd have coffee as friends, then dinner with her family, then he cut his hair shorter and he began 'dressing up'. He would not swing by my place as often and I felt the gap. But he was mine. That was clear, to him, to me and to his family that wished I did not exist every single day of their life. 

"I'm getting married to, Maya,"

"You are getting married? When? Why? Y'all liked each other like that?"

"Tomorrow at city church."

I bolted off the bed wrapping myself in a towel. We were just having sex the other minute. Maya, the Maya?

"What about me? I love you Nick. You can't marry her. You won't marry her. You didn't tell me!"

"I didn't know how to. I love you. With everything that I am Hanna. I do love you. It's 2pm, you were not on the invites list,"

"The hell I'm not!"

I didn't know what I was hearing at this point. He was lying in my bed naked. He had squeezed time off his lectures to come fuck me at 10am. I should have seen this coming. He pulled me towards him sitting at the edge of the bed. His face was troubled and his voice was trembling. 

"I don't know how we got here with Maya. But it feels right. Look at me Hanna,"

"Look at what??"

There was a deafening silence for a minute. He finally got his hands off me and proceeded to almost kiss my neck.

"Fuck you! Don't touch me! What happens to me, to us, to our plans, to our past, what do we become?" I asked. 

I was crying uncontrollably. I was begging to see him laugh out loud as a prank but his face just got red and flushy. 

"Do you love her, more than you love me?"

Nick pushed me away and got up. I followed him to the kitchen where he took a beer. His phone rang and "My Bear" was calling. The caller picture was a photo of them, at our camping spot. It made me weak to the knees. A wedding!?

I stood there watching him being kind to her. He hurriedly told her that he was on his way and hang up.

"Six years? Over eight months Nick?"

"You don't want me to marry you either Hanna? Or do you?"

"Hell no, but you are my person. You know that. You are the only thing I know to be with. You are everything I have lived for the last couple years. I don't want kids. I don't want a formal walking down the aisle in a gown and flower crown wedding. Your family hates me. We agreed to be each other's. Didn't we?"

" We did and I love you. Now I need to get dressed and meet her for tomorrow's preparation. Please don't come there. I'll see you after our honeymoon."

I watched him go back to my bedroom, get dressed and hurry out of the door. I rushed to the bathroom an almost died inside there. I definitely pinched myself two to ten times and I was awake. I was not dreaming. He wouldn't marry her. I texted him and I told him. I told him he wouldn't marry her. He had to cancel it. That night was one for the books. Not one minute of it that I was sober. I carried my gun to the bathroom more than once but everything felt wrong. Even taking my own life felt wrong. He would certainly change his mind during the wedding. He would leave her at the alter and elope with me far far away. I went outside and sat across our street. I remembered the number of times we pulled there, some good, some bad but all worth it. I held my phone up to add yet another text to the other unresponded ones,

"Did you cancel it?"

Immediately my phone lit up. 

"It's too late Hanna. I can't cancel. I promise to get back at you after everything,"

"I'm coming to the wedding tomorrow,"

"I will be what you want me to be. But let me do the one sane thing for me, please."

"I'm not sane?"

"You are, you are different and I love you like that. "

"You made me this way,"

"Do not come tomorrow. I'll see you after the honeymoon. Xoxo"

I did not respond to him. The night was about to be longer than I anticipated. I was not about to spend all of it crying on my bathroom floor feeling worthless. I took my bike and rode to Everton, the motel. It was old now and the vibe was dead. The night was cloudy and there were no stars. Not even a shooting star. The thought that he brought her here at one point had me riding back home. I stopped by their street to ask him to cancel the wedding one last time. I called him and his phone went straight to voice mail. I rode home and took one two many beers. The night was excruciating. But he promised he wouldn't leave me. He promised he would be there. Didn't he? He said he loved me. We had sex in the morning. He was with me. He was mine. I was his. Oh also I would see him after his honeymoon. The thought of him inside her, whispering in her ears, sleeping next to her, her waking up to him was sending me to all the wrong places. The idea of our love, our almost love. How the attention would go down. How they would get kids. And how they were undeniably perfect for each other. Maya was so different from me. I loved it for him but he was never supposed to meet her in the first place. I could not live with it.

We bonded over danger, over recklessness, over wrecking ourselves over and over again. We would try out all the new drugs in town together. We were absurd. We were perfect in the midst of it all. My brain was going to all the wrong places. I picked up the gun, walked to the mirror and pointed it to my head. I smiled at how ugly I looked from all the crying and put the gun down. 

All alone I crawled in bed and stared at the dark ceiling till morning. The sky was blue and beautiful. It was shining through my windows stubbing my heart even more. I pulled two beers from under my bed and downed them in a minute. He had not checked on me. It was already midday. He had not called to remind me that I wasn't invited. He had not called to remind me that he would be there for me. Because he won't. I would never be his. He was never going to be mine either. I was a flight risk. His family hated me. He needed to put me down. But if this was his way, then we were going to put each other down together. Her eyes would make him forget all about mine. Under all the games we played, I know a part of him wanted more. But he was everything I wanted. 2pm came and passed. I was paralysed in bed. They were probably exchanging vows. 3pm came and he did not text me to ask me to run away with him. I was drunk but I knew I needed to see it for myself. The heartache was setting in and it was actually hurting now. I needed to see him in a pinstripe suit and her in a gown. Maybe I would actually manage to run off the city and far away. 

7pm I ordered in and could not stomach a spoonful of food. I looked at the mirror one last time before leaving. I carried a sling bag with a gun in it. Just in case. You know. The reception was at the city church square outside the church. There was quite the crowd when I walked in. Everything was so bright and lot. Did he just cut his hair. He was so different from the Nick I had seen the previous day. He looked neat and unnatural. The lights were absurd. Everyone was happy. Everyone was rooting for them. They stood there dancing slowly to a song I didn't recognize. But didn't he always play rock? I hoped they'd play one of those. I saw them kiss subtly, then deeply as they danced. They held each other so close. I did not realize that I was walking towards them. I did not realize that everyone was now staring at me. I was standing next to them. They were staring back at me. Nick was particularly whispering that I should leave. 

A hand pulled me from behind. His mother. Another pulled my other hand and I almost tripped. All attention was on me. The room almost went silent, except for the music. It was time. My heart was beating backwards. My brain bursted the moment I walked in here. My blood was boiling inside me. All attention was on me and I was about to shift it to something else. Nick's mother let go off me and I pulled away harshly. I picked my gun off my bag and pointed it to his face. Until I found you was playing, my tears were flowing uncontrollably and I would feel them all the way to my neck. One shot to his face. The screams were outrageous. Another shot and another shot. Until I met you kept playing, it was our song, it was our karaoke song. I pointed the gun to my head, then stopped and dropped it. And the song kept playing, "I would never fall in love again until I found her, I found you," it went on and on.