This war :(

 

This 'abyss' in my head. A sort of dark matter that's lingers at a very specific corner of my head. Anyway. It's Sunday morning. The sun is up and a little brighter for a 8am sun. I'm seated at the back. I don't go to church often. I don't feel bad about it. I kneel beside my bed to talk to the man above more than I walk around it. But some days he gets silent and on those days I seek out for him in this huge, building. 

Perfect architecture. Beams that run down from the ceiling like they want to be noticed. Windows so tall and the light that comes in doesn't feel like the same light that I left outside. The doors are huge and brown. Polished neatly and always kept wide open. Inviting. The gardens outside are clean and bright and the flowers are not the flowers I see every other day outside home or work. They are almost perfect. Like God looks after them himself. Enough about this building. But how wouldn't I believe that God lives here?

 So on bad days when he ain't talking back beside my bed, I chase after him in the cathedral. More like wandering when lost. I sit at the last bench looking up at the ceiling wondering where exactly He is watching me from . And I say my prayer with my eyes wide open, roaming them from one corner to another. A kid crying here, a bell ringing there and smoke coming from the front, then everyone standing up. The priest walks to the altar. Oh to be him! I'm not done with my prayer yet. So I remain seated. This time I close my eyes. I can feel His presence now. Calming at first. So calm I can feel the comfort that makes you want to cry a little. More like letting it go. A moment later, it's all gone. All of it. And I can feel this dark, ugly pit in my head calling after me again. Oh and I follow. And I walk right in. And the voices begin. And the memories come running all over my face, my body, my space. In my head but everywhere,

" it's not worth it," 

"maybe you should try it tonight," 

"it won't hurt anymore will it?"

"you don't even love it here," 

"the other side could be bearable, make it easy for yourself," 

" You can barely hold on"

"You choke on your own food"

"You can't even be your own home"

" you are mean"

"It wakes you up at 3am"

"You can't paint over it"

"Youu are so selfish"

 "Maybe you should try being kinder"

 "Get out of here,"

 "I hope you survive tonight too!"

 

The other side of my head is racing against words, against emotions, against fear, against all the breaths that are running out of my chest. 

 "You are everything!"

" You will survive every second!"

"It is all worth it!"

And then the war between my ears begins and the war does not just end there. If this well of fear keeps calling after me, I tend to believe it and when this bright side keeps asking me to hold it's hand, I look at it like reckless hope and walk to the abyss and there I fall. And in this space in between before I land,  I want to do so many things. 

I feel a pat at my knee. Shit!!! I open my eyes and this kid is staring up at me. My face is wet. Shiiitttt! I lift my face to look around and a couple of people are giving me weird stares. It's quiet. Except for a girl reading the Bible at the front. How long have I been sobbing? Was the whole world watching me.

It's quiet except for the girl reading the Bible and the girl at the back sobbing uncontrollably, and the still whisper telling me, "it'll be okay"...

 

I pick myself up and walk out. The flowers, they are not darker. Not as magical. The sky is getting dark and my eyes, they are painful with tears I  want to let out so bad. Then this voice comes to my head again, "told you"

Shit! Fucking loser...

I sit at a porch looking at everything around me and wondering how my own head has to fight itself...and win too...