LUCAS...

 (I was shaking writing this. Like it's a true story. There are definitely parts that are based on true events. I wrote this listening to very sentimental music. I feel like this is the best thing I have written in ages. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it. Listen to these songs throughout,

-Lean on me, Sandro Cavazza

-Little bit of love, Tom Grennan

-Sing it with me, JP Cooper and Astrid S

-Toast, Smith and Thell

-Hotel Walls, Smith and Thell)

"Where did you take all the love, all the fire you had for him?"

I choked on my coffee thinking about it. I looked outside the coffee booth and the light showers were looking too inviting. 

"Sue!"

"Yes!"

I had not realized that I was no longer paying attention to Mel. We were having this coffee atleast to discuss my state of heart affairs and I had not realized how terrible of a place I was at until she popped that question. 

"I'll take a long walk home in the rain. I don't want to talk today." I told her. 

My voice was shaking and I knew too well that my eyes had began to be a ball of clouds too.

"Okay. You'll be fine Sue."

"Bye Mel. I love you."

Walking under the rain was quite a familiar territory. Lucas and I would do it all the time only that, we would run in the rain, not walk. I began to break down the moment the showers hit my face. Atleast no one would tell the tears from the rain. 

Lucas was my best and worst love story. He built me in five months and broke me all together at the end of it. He learnt me and unlearned me as well. Loved me then unloved me like I was a song or a book that sucked the more he replayed or reread it. 

I met Lucas at a party. I was so drunk and was shouting at the top of my voice. The song Hotel Walls was playing somewhere and I shouted the lyrics like my life depended on it; up until I felt the most disrespectful pat on my back. 

"I got you a drink. I'm Lucas."

 He shouted amidst the music and the noise. I pulled him to the back to atleast listen to him.

"Do I know you?" I asked him.

"Wow! You should definitely let your hair down more often! And you look ugly in blue! I'm a regular here. I see you alot. "

"Tf," I scanned this man standing in front of me and his audacity. I was definitely offended considering it took me 4 days to pick a dress for this party. 

"Have we met before?"

"Not officially."

 He stretched his hand for a shake and handed me the rosé on his other hand. His hands were firm and I couldn't help but notice the little mermaid tattoo on his wrist that made me smirk. Besides that, Lucas was quite the man, he was roughly 6'2 and I am a generous 5'1 so his height flattered me. He spoke like he crafted and practiced his words before he let them out and his voice, it created symphonies not stories. I was already attracted to his intimidating appearance and how his whole vibe was a perfect 'fuccboi' concoction. I downed the rosé and I could feel him staring at me ridiculously.

 "Another drink?"

 "Definitely!"

We walked to a beer booth and got seats next to it. By the time it was 1a.m. I was horny and in love, and that meant it was time to go home. 

"I'll drop you home. If you don't mind"

"No you are drunk. I'll catch an Uber"

"No you are carelessly drunk. You can't drive with a stranger at 1a.m."

"And you are not a stranger?" 

I asked and laughed hard. He held my hand and walked me to his car. I took the back seat to get a quick nap before he could drop me at my location. 

"Susan! Get up"

In no time I was at the front of my apartment. Lucas walked me through the gate and to my door. I struggled to pull my key card and he did it for me. He pushed the door open to my messy house. I walked straight to the fridge and pulled some chips and sat on the floor. Lucas sat on the floor with me and was looking at me in a way that I wanted to make mistakes with him. I got closer and closer to his face and the next thing I knew my lips were looking out for his. I fell on his and he tasted a little too familiar. Was it his lips or was I too used to hooking up with drunk boys tasting like beer? He tasted like safety and insanity and right there I knew this would be yet another drunk Friday that I would not be immune to the craziness of drunk sex with a stranger.

The following morning was awkward as hell. I woke up to Lucas sneaking out and when all the thoughts came running in my head, I screamed under my pillow as I let him leave. I woke up blasted music and took the longest shower. I was smiling shamelessly infront of my mirror thinking about the previous night until I saw it. My neck was red and it went down to my boobs. I had love bites on love bites. Before I could scream again, my phone notification went off. 

"Dinner at Jojo's bar, 8pm, don't wear a blue dress!"

I felt my face flash red. I definitely knew it was Lucas. I wish I'd sleep and wake up at 8pm. I could not wait to see him. One date turned to two, two to countless other dates. One kiss, to a million of them. Drunk sex on a Friday night to sex under the sky on a starry night and under the rain and all the wild placea. I fell in love with him, all of him, his mistakes, his body, his fingers the way they fitted perfectly in mine, the way he talked. The way he said my name. The name Susan had never sounded so sexy. I mean it's just S-U-S-A-N, but the way he said it, I didn't want anyone else saying my name except for him. His favorite songs became my songs, his favourite sports, his teams, his jerseys, his t-shirts, his huge ass clothes. Lucas was my person. I breathed him, I existed for him, I loved him more than I loved everything I had ever loved in my whole life. Lucas became my little pandemic and I was a follower of his cult, his love or whatever he had going on with me. He danced with my demons to their favorite tunes, he painted in white and all the bright colors on the darkness that was within me. I loved him... madly!

But love, it can only go as far as a blink of an eye, till it ain't no more. And our love was as short as half the blink of an eye. 

"Leave a message!"

"I was busy!"

"I cannot tonight!"

"The mobile subscriber cannot be reached!"

"I forgot it was your special day!"

"Not tonight!"

"No!"

"A NO is a NO Susan "

The way he began to say Susan now, it felt like it took sweat and blood to say it. He began to talk to my face not my soul, not my heart. Until one day he showed me a picture of his new love. Long hair, definitely her hair was always down and she was in a small black dress, the way he loved it. She was shorter, how he liked his girls. But I was short, but not short enough apparently. I wore black dresses, but my ass was not as fat as he wanted it to be. I was freaky, but not freaky enough to lap dance on him before his friends. I was in love with him, but he was in love with her...

Now I hide under the covers all day. I'm starting a new love story with new melodies. These beats, these songs, these melodies, these symphonies of melancholy that you have made so familiar around my air. I'm holding on to crazy pieces of you. The games you loved, I watch them and cry and scream and beat myself up for being less, not enough. The tiny mug you drunk from in my house, I drink from it hoping somehow my lips remember yours on that mug, your favorite air freshener, I wear it on my clothes. You taught me love , but only the kind of love that is letting go...but the far I can go is as far as your hands can stretch out for me! At the end of it, you made it clear to me how your love came as a double edged sword, one side to love and the other to possess, one girl to love and the other girl to own...

I sat at the side of the road, my knees weak and my heart aching. I held my phone and typed it to him..."I still love you..." I hit send and cried my life out of my body. The rain was getting heavier and I was getting weaker and weaker. I called Mel,and I could barely say a word, I cried to her and I could tell she was driving.

"Come get me," I said beneath sobs.

"I'm coming baby." She said softly.

He would never respond to me, I thought. But really what do I do with all the love I have for Lucas?