CHAPTER 18. 5/6!

(Extracts from my dreams about Atticus that I will never publish)...

 "Why are you kissing me like you are afraid to tear my lips?" 

"Am I"

"Come here,"

He pulled me closer and I was almost sitting on his laps,

"Closer"

Now I was sitting, sitting on him and I could feel him bulge. 

I turned my head a little to listen to the leaking sound of my fridge and a creaking sound of my old wardrobe door. Then it hit me, I was dreaming about him again in the most absurd of times. I rolled out of bed and tiptoed to the bathroom. I did not want to wake my sneaky link from Lisa's party up. I cleaned my face and walked to my study desk. I knew I wouldn't fall asleep any time again. Something about thinking about him just kept me awake at the wierd hours of the night.

I poured my cereal in a bowl and began eating it raw as I waited for my laptop to start. 

Command

>>>Files

>>>Private folder

>>>Open doc

>>>Midnight muse

I was surprised that it was 3am I would have bet it was 1 or 2 am. I read through the last pages of my midnight muse story and went ahead to write more...

Chapter 18 (5/6) 3:14am

How do you even creep in my dreams like that. How are you able to do that. Do I appear in your dreams as well and is it creepy or beautiful. In my wildest dreams I would be in a field of sunflowers reading out all these chapters to you on a Sunday morning way until the sun sets on us. I think about you more than I think about anything else in my life. And now you are in my dreams. You are not standing there looking at me, or hanging out with me, you are now undressing me. I just woke up. I have a man in bed and he was really great tonight. He is a stranger and I wish he'd sneak and leave in the morning without wanting to connect with me. Why would you squeeze yourself with us too. 

...you begin with knocking at my door, smiling naughtily at the door, then pushing me in. You hug me tightly then you walk around the house judging my new deco. Then finish with "it speaks you". Is that a compliment? You get in the kitchen and hog on my remaining soup and then you are on the couch with me. The next moment your lips are on mine and I could feel you bulge under my butt... in my dream. 

Now I am up and my mind is flooded with flashes of your face, your naked body, your voice and there is no way to hit reset and sleep on it. It doesn't end there. I want to pick my phone up and dial you but it will break my heart more. I know you are not in bed dreaming about me and you are probably outside getting drunk and eating face on stranger girls. You really taught me well, I have a stranger in bed as well. But if I am ever your after midnight muse, please write it down as well. Fill the pages of your red notebook with your dreams about me, or is it full now with another girl's story? I have drawn all the possible lines with you and broken them too well. 

Immediately I drop my cereal bowl...

"Your shadow, you scared me!..." Sam is awake and standing almost behind me. 

"Sorry, what are you doing up, it's late, or too early. I need to use the bathroom"

"Okay I'm coming to bed in two" I tell him.

I don't know if am sad that my sneaky link, Sam, woke me up from my limbo with you or if I'm happy that I'll be forced to bed now and away from these thoughts....

I walk back to bed after he leaves the bathroom and it's 4:06 now, I get in bed and lay on Sam's chest, thinking about you instead. (I'm such a mess).

"Answer me back!" Sam says loudly but calmly.

"Sorry what did you say?"

"I asked if you're okay?"

"Yea I'm fine, I had to send some emails for work." I clench a little. That was wierd. 

Sam lights the bedside lamp and it flashes my face. He sits up in bed and looks at me. I can still smell a little alcohol in his breath when he speaks. I look at his face and dark eyes. It doesn't make me feel like anything. I try to look for you in him but there is nothing there. He says something that I don't here then dims the light, pulling me up further against his chest. 

He kisses my forehead, lifts my lazy face to look at him and I fall to his lips. My head tells me to go ahead with this and get rid of your memories right there. I kiss him hard and he turns me in bed so he is on top of me, I close my eyes hard as he pushes himself inside me. I let out little moans when his lips meet my lips occasionally... He strokes harder, then faster...I can hear myself get louder and louder and wow I'm thinking I'll keep this one. He goes on for a couple of minutes slower now, whispering shit in my ears. I turn to get on top, and he submits really fast, eww. I close my eyes to avoid looking at him and wow, behind my closed eyes is you. I am so caught up in this that I end up saying your name out loud when I'm finishing, Atticus! 

I'm so embarrassed that I jump out and walk to the bathroom, I walk in the shower and I'm surprised that Sam does not follow me there. I sit on the bathroom floor, staring hard at the water showering down when I hear the front door close loudly. Wow he has just left. I would have left as well.

I hate me for being like this and I get up and walk to my room my body dripping water, I get a towel and wrap myself in bed. I close my eyes disgustingly and there you are again, your face behind my eyes...does it really end?...This obsession?...Is it me or is it you?