Endings are beautiful, everything is beautiful🤎🧸

The universe fascinates me, and I say this with so much honesty. Like look at everything around me, around you, around us! Look at people and I mean old, young, new born babies! Look at animals, cute little toy poodles (Bobo has one!), that just want to cuddle and be cute, to fierce wild lions that just want to pounce at you. 

Look at yourself mostly. The arrangement or disarrangement, the symmetry or asymmetry, your eyes, your nose, your lips, teeth. Am I the only one who thinks that my facial features are in secret communication, like maybe my eyes whisper to my nose sorry when I have a cold? I mean look at the scars on your knees that you got as a child and they don't seem to get away. Those are beauty marks. Those are the switch buttons that awaken the child in you. They literally remind you how happy you were! 

Look at your thought process. How your mind works. How you figure out stuff and how you mess up stuff and everything in between! Do you ever look in the mirror and see perfection, cause that is what I see. I kid you not! I see art. Standing naked before my mirror and looking at how sculptured and personal I look, it makes me wanna book myself a spot in some museum. I am a whole walking library of thoughts and arrangements of art and so are you! And how my stomach is just mine, how my navel is deep and I wouldn't want it any other way, how my boobs are slightly different and I love them just like that, how my face looks exactly like my brother's if you look keenly and he doesn't look like me if you look at him!!

I am but a small unit of this big world. If I stood at the top of the end, I would probably see nothing but vast space but in my mind I'd still know and think about the billions of living things down there. You being one of them. 

Think about how life is made, two people, immensely in love, decide to make a cocktail of themselves and boom a baby. Think about the love they began with. Think about love in general, how in a world full of so many things as , cars, plants, flowers, space, sports, planes, we all don't feel complete if we don't choose a few special people and make them our own! How we have been able to outgrow heteronormative ideas and now I have a whole spectrum to decide from where to draw love. 

Think about how love itself constantly reminds us that it doesn't want perfection, it wants honesty and if that's not it, then it doesn't work. How heartbreaks don't just go, they stick around until you free them! I mean there is no inspiration to a heartbreak. You move on when you are ready to move on! I feel like I offensively limit myself to writing about love but could someone respectfully point out a more genuine emotion? 

You wouldn't ever think about one. You see Abbie hasn't felt a more genuine emotion to be honest. I love my dad , I love my brother so much. I love my best friend, I love lime juice, I love my brown water bottle, I love my notebook, I still love my ex-boyfriend from 2017, and there is something that grows in my throat when I don't feel this way. I hate misconnections, misunderstandings, miscommunications and they break me to the bone. 

But now there is a part of the universe that I beat myself for everyday. It is the end of things. The end of beautiful things. Like how am a few lines from ending this story. Like how you fight with your siblings over the last slice of pizza, like how we end friendships. But you see all the above, we can refeel that and replace them. I could write another story, I could order another pizza, I could go to the store and buy 10 litres of ice cream, I could easily make new friends, but someone explain death to me! Death of a person you love, the thought that they are not there suffocates me! 

Maybe I'm not bringing this out the right way but let me finish. 9 years into grief, and the pain is fresh as hell. I still remember how I cried then and if the thoughts creep back once in a while, I'll probably cry twice harder. I am a pro person and I have tried millions of ways to deal with grief including deciding to forget about it and beating myself up when I do think about it. But at 3am on a Tuesday morning the thoughts still manage to pay a visit and I begin to question my entire existence! Like do I really wanna be happy about life? 

But that's not it! A few days ago I thought about acceptance and that's by far the jackpot. I said the universe itself is a puzzle and the fact that these people we lose don't want to be forgotten is just a stamp to my discovery. So why not think about them? Like think about all the times we shared, and laugh a little. Think about all the times we argued and cry if I want to. Look at the pictures of them and think about how taller and fatter they would be now. Give them life in your heart and mind. And trust me it gets better! 

My point is, look through your window, or just look outside, you see all the things out there? They have some sort of connection. They are connected to you and give you some sense of familiarity. And you know what? They won't always be there, so appreciate them. Look at the people you are with, at a room right now, hug them harder, love them more intentionally, make things right with them, they are beautiful, but they won't always be there. The universe fascinates me. But death makes me want to take pictures of the sunset on an open road, just to remind myself that endings are beautiful too. So>>>live🪄🤎