Stop hurting your baby girls. They are slapping us!

I should have told my friends this story but it was the last day of school and it was pretty embarrassing. Soooo the weekend towards the last week of our physical classes was my cousin's (Brian)  birthday and of course he had a party. It was in a club in town. I was skeptical about going out but anyways sikua na kitu ya kufanya so why not! 

So the party went on well. Very well infact. Except that Brian's girlfriend wasn't there. Apparently she was mad at him and so she didn't show up. Who misses their boy's party though juu umejam. Anywayyyyyy. At 9 pm we left the club went to Brian's place, Buru for the rest of the sherehe. That was Saturday night. 

Fast forward to Friday evening. A week later, we were walking to Kahawa, from school, KU along that stretch between school Gate and Engen, with my classmate, yes you guessed right, Karen! Halfway through the stretch, a girl looks at us so keenly and even after she is past us she turns her head. Mimi apo nikaanza kuchocha Karen, 

"How does it feel to attract both genders?"

And she responds laughing hard. Before I could say anything else, this girl was right behind me. Shit! She really had heard me ask Karen that? Is it a bad though? Before anything could register in my mind, this girl hit me, like she almost slapped me but akamiss and me being stupid I went behind Karen. 

Wow! People are really petty out here, so Karen held her hand and asked her what was up and she kept pushing to get at me  and yes she did. Before she could hit me again, Karen shouted, 

"She didn't mean it!"

Mind you watu wanapita tu and they are just staring at us. The only good thing was that it was around 6:30 pm so there were few people walking by and it was getting kinda dark. 

"Of course she didn't! Slut!" This girl said!

At this point nothing was really making sense. There is no way she was this mad ati juu I said what I said. She almost walked away at this point since I wasn't saying anything or fighting back. Then she began to talk again,

"I bet he was fun right?"

"Fun? He! Who?" I asked.

" Brian MF"

"Who's Brian?"

I almost said, "You have the wrong person," like they say in the movies but I knew if I opened my mouth to talk she would probably hit me again. So y'all wondering why I couldn't fight? This girl was tall, like tall and thick and had this deep voice,( like Huldah, my friend, you should meet her) except that she was way lighter. Yaani nanza wapi! Lakini who the fuck is Brian?

Karen went ahead to talk to her now, asking her who Brian is and all and she pulled out her phone, baaas, yaani hadi ako na evidence!  I started to think about all my entanglements and if any of them might have lied to me about their names juu no! hapana! She walked towards me and almost put her phone under my nose.

Looking at what she was showing me, manze nilicheka. Like legit. I looked at her nikashangaa nianze wapi. Karen peeped in and giggled a little then walked beside me. 

So on her phone were screenshots from an  IG page that belonged to the club we were at the previous weekend. I instantly recognized the pictures since I had seen them some days ago. There were multiple slides like 10 of them, just me and Brian sitting at a table having drinks. Worst of all, I had the same jacket I was in kwa hizo picha and my hair was in my legendary pussy cats. How would I have saved myself? Aaaaah! Trust me if I was this girl I would have slapped me too.

" Oh this Brian?" I said 

"Yea this Brian!" 

"Are you Maggie?" I asked her calmly.

I was now interested in this story. Hadi sikua na haraka anymore.

" So he even talks to his hoes about me!"

She said akicheka kiufala ufala. I then went ahead  to innocently explain to her everything,

" I'm Abbie, his cousin," I smiled broadly at her. 

Meanwhile, Karen had tried to call Brian the moment she saw the pictures and he wasn't picking up  and just after I was done introducing myself, Brian called, Karen passed me her phone so I could talk to him. It had been like 10 minutes with this girl and I didn't even know how to start explaining to Brian that Maggie thought I was his hoe, so I told him that I was gonna call him later. I don't know if she believed me or not but she just walked away. Just like that. She gave up. Or maybe she was too embarrassed for pulling that!

Minutes later I called Brian. He actually owes me money for unknowingly involving me in his drama. He explained everything and that within the last week, he had broken up with her over the phone. Over the phone you guys! Who does that! Mnafanya tu mtoto wa wenyewe atembee huku nje na hasira. 

In my wildest dream I wouldn't have thought this girl was in the same school as me. Or less I'm campus. But anyway, I was innocent, very innocent, but I doubt she believed that I was his cousin. That girl's sharp though. I wouldn't recognize a person like that!

Moral of the story,

1. Introduce your girlfriends to your family.

2. Usivae nguo moja kila wakati.

3. Normalize switching hairstyles.

4. Usikue na hasira ovyo ovyo.

5. Get a Karen!