Self-Growth with Suki🌸

 

At the end of the day the sun kisses my face and then goes down on me;)🌤️💛/Endings are beautiful!

You know how we all have this conversation about self growth and we really don't narrow down to what it  is. Well I have been on the self growth calendar for the past few months and this shit is not just it. It's not what y'all label it to be. It's not the pretty quotes on Pinterest, the soft art that we all tend to resolve to vision boards or even skin care. It's none of that. This is totally on a personal perspective and I stand to be fact checked. 

Just today I was having a deep conversation with my best friend and as she kept typing on her phone I scrolled up to where it all began and I went on reading everything all the way down and guess what I typed when I got to the bottom of our chats? 

"Do you think I'm emotionally immature?"

She had not left the chat and she began to record a voice note and while listening to it I broke into one of those self checking laughs. She pointed out how emotionally unhealthy I am . Not immature! Unhealthy. And it got me thinking! Why on earth have I been focusing on my skin, lips and lightning my armpits while on the more important side I don't really know how to handle a situation that requires me to be emotionally invested in it.

I am not outing myself. No I'm not a closet brat but I've been in situations that I really did shit with my mind that I cried at how stupid I am and here are just but a few. I hope you realize that this is a happy piece and don't come at me. This are things I actually did.

One time I was to get a job from my guka. I wasn't 10, 12 or 15 no. I was 19 years old. And it was something as easy as being a secretary. He called me a night to the day I was reporting at work and told me that he was going to interview me at 8 a.m.  A normal person would go to sleep and wake up on time and ace the interview. It's a really simple task. Your girl didn't think that way though. I woke my dad up after the call and he got up since he thought I had an emergency! I told him about how guka was so formal with me and that he even told me he was going to interview me. This was me simply asking my dad to drop me by the following day just to make sure I would be fine. That would have been a great inconvenience to him so he said no to me and I kid you not guys I cried that night! The following day I went to guka's office and guess what! He wasn't there. He had left the keys to his office to someone and I was supposed to call him when I got there. I dialed him, and he said,

"Kaa kwa ofisi tu, mtu akikuja tell them I'm unavailable." 

Just that! I cried myself to sleep just to spend the first day at work watching Netflix and dismissing clients! Imagine if my dad came all the way!!!

The other time was during COVID-19 quarantine period when we were all at home for atleast a year. My dad again! He is used to putting my light out when I go to sleep and this one time he told me before I went to bed that I should switch off my light. And when I got to my room I sat on my bed thinking about how bad of a habit it is that at 20 I still needed my dad to put my bulb out. This time, I almost cried but I didn't he did turn the bulb off though since I fell asleep. Imagine if I cried!? It bothered me too!!!

And it goes on and on. To thinking that I'm too much since I text back immediately. To thinking I'm ugly when I laugh since my eyes become so small. To not saying how I feel about something to avoid inconveniencing other people.

Back to self and personal growth now. Imagine if I took it upon myself to actually relax and calm down and stop making a hill out of the smallest things. And how do I do that? (Google that I don't know either!) What if I just switched off my own bulb? What if I just wore my big girl pants and became excited about being interviewed by my guka instead of being scared about it!?  What if I put myself first even if it makes people uncomfortable? What if I laugh recklessly?!

And no, I don't have anxiety or anything! It looks like that sometimes. The line between emotional immaturity and anxiety is really thin. I don't need therapy for this. I just need to psycho analyse the situations before me and actually make a decision that makes sense!

I swear I was getting to the point of how self growth is really difficult when you think about it, before I was caught up in telling you all the above. Self growth for me is actually being able to handle things in a more mature way. Like if I was presented with a problem last month and handled it a certain way, I would definitely handle it better now. That is growth. 

As insensible as this may sound, as lame as it may come out. I swear there is nothing I would want to achieve more in this world than appropriate/mature/realistic decision making. And a smaller nose! Are there work outs for that? Help a sister!

Don't judge me! But besides that I think I keep my friends busy. Really busy. I'm about to call like four of them to ask them if it's okay to post this article that actually has real situations of me in it, besides knowing that they will say yes! I gotta ask though!

Next week I won't, if I'll have grown up, I'll just post, I won't call them...