BEING ALONE...

 

It scares me, being alone. Rather being lonely. I like to be surrounded by some sort of energy from other people and it's the needing that hurts. I like to promise myself that I am okay being alone, then it hits me I am not. Worse still, I have few people that I want to be around. I give them the power to use me, to treat me good, as long as they are available. I like to show up for them too. You know!

Solitude! This is by far the most intimidating word for me. How exactly am I supposed to achieve this? How am I supposed to be comfortable with being an almost uninhabited space! Usually, it sounds to me like living somewhere in the backwoods, where it's mostly raining and cold and everything is sticky and ugly. That is solitude for me. 

Lex likes to call negative solitude, anxiety. It makes sense, only because she makes sense alot of times. The whole endless loop, of seeking company, unnecessary company, to feel better. More or less, it's holding hands with anxiety and patting it's back. So should I really face the fact that I can't stand myself? 

In the middle of the night, my mind likes to wake up and think. Think about all the shitty stuff there is in my list. It likes to get me out of bed and walk me to my balcony. There it makes me cry and look down at the space underneath and whispers in my ears, JUMP! In the morning, it wakes me up at the little space between dark and daybreak. It makes me stare at the curtains effortlessly as the light falls in. It make me think about all the things I need to do and I should do, then it tells me to stay in bed. It drains me, physically and I can't, atleast lift my body out of bed. It sucks. To be totally out of control of yourself. To feel numb and to feel too much at the same time. To push myself to the furthest end and to not get the strength for the final step. The step that ends me. The step that should save me from me. In school my mind, my anxiety rather creeps me out in between hugs, it suffocates me in corridors, crossing by all these strangers and feeling like they are looking at my pale and crusty eyes and face that haven't had sleep in like forever. 

But then, these few people of mine, sometimes, a few nice words from them keep me going for days. A few stories and just having them there puts my head to sleep throughout the night. I almost feel like it's love, and I love to feel their love. It asks me come along and stop holding hands with my anxiety, for a moment. If I ever shared these escapades more intensely, I would possibly get 9/10 of the people telling me to face it. How then? Am I ready to meet myself? 

Falling in love with solitude sounds like tragedy and it trembles me...Once in a while I listen to "Find my way to you" by Miles Parish and Shalom Margret. This song is personally addressed by every ounce of myself. I like to interpret it as a me to me sound. I promise myself that one day I will take myself somewhere alone, in the spaces in my mind, and I will be the prince and princess of myself and it will be a personal honourable love story of falling in love with myself. I like to blast a couple of songs too like , "Let's dance" , David Bowie, "Someone New" , Hozier, " Ready Yet", Sasha Sloan and the list is endless. Music literally drowns you and saves you before you breath your last. Take notes! Therapy sounds that put me on a personal space that is in between falling and survival make me feel safe and I like it there.

I hope this helps someone.❤️