Come outside

One day you wake up and you don't wanna leave bed, you can't lift your hands up to clean up yourself, or even open your mouth to have anything, not even your best ice cream. And you wanna just lay down, feel nothing, but your mind doesn't feel that way. Your thoughts stab every nerve in your mind, memories, trauma, pain, and for a moment, you are a stranger to your own self. You may think you are numb but you are not, you realize later that actually you feel too much, feel the hurt, the loss, the anxiety, the pressure, and nothing quite positive could change how you feel at this moment. Then alongside you, is a knife broken glass, razor and you just wanna cut, bleed and wake the "you" in you up. Like they are asleep. A therapist will tell you to get up and wash up and shout something positive, and put on loud music, and drown in it and eventually try to forget or push away that thing in your mind that allegedly eats you up. Isn't that running from it? I will tell you to  drown in that chaos and dark part in your mind. I would tell you to approach that demon. I would tell you to confront them. Talk so loud to yourself and tell yourself everything about you. Maybe you just need to own up, or deal with it, not run from it. Right? And on days like these you are going to remember the person who hurt you the most, the moments that tore you apart, the tests you failed, the day you buried your mother, the day you embarrassed yourself at work. You are going to feel like no one cares and no one loves you and you are going to be in denial of every effort people made to make you feel better. That's how it works. I am not driving to any point. I am talking to this person who sleeps in bed feeling dead inside. Trust me you are most alive at those days. We all hate soaked pillows, blood in our sinks, dirty wine glasses on carpets, fresh cuts on our hands, eyebags, name them!

Cry all you want though, but don't choke on your tears, drink all you want but do not die, hurt until it doesn't hurt anymore. Approach your own mind. Truth is we are all dealing with something, we are all in a healing process, knowingly or unknowingly. Most of all we all know someone stuck with battling loss, a breakup, hateful parents, midlife crises, failed careers, drug addiction. And they all tend to bleed on people around them to feel safe other that openly admitting they need closure. So don't be that shitty person who openly exposes someone's wierd behavior. Again accept them and hear them out. Everyone has a story and it weighs us down differently, deal with it! It's okay to feel like trash as long as you don't rest in the chaos forever. It is okay to place a safe emotional distance between you and the whole world. So lock yourself up until you feel better. It is majorly okay to feel like your parents exhaust you emotionally because truth be told, they unknowingly try their best to be good parents but fall back on habits of emotional manipulation because they haven't processed their trauma and behavior they grew up with. Protect yourself, your mental health especially. It is extremely exhausting and out of experience, I know what it is like to be in that confusion grey area of being social, mixed with guilt and anxiety of exhaustion, manipulation and unreceprocated emotional labour. And I promise, you will one day feel like you took a step to take care of yourself too. Your mixed feelings about your family, friends, those are you, are more than valid. So baby, accept the healing process, rip that paper  into as many tinnier pieces as you can if it makes you feel better, curl up in bed all day and cover yourself in warm blankets if it keeps you sane, drink water, take antidepressants, love your therapist, eat everything, jump, sing out loud, make your bed, stick your tongue out for a baby in public, take a selfie and smile, put on your favourite underwear, kiss your cat, start small, hang in there, and I promise, with a pocket full of soul and a mind full of life, I can tell you there is no place you couldn't go. So live baby!